Monday, July 18, 2011

The Ideal Candidate

While perusing the classified ads over the last few years, I’ve noticed how job postings seem to read a little like someone’s idea of the perfect soul mate:

“I want someone who’s tall and handsome with a head full of dark, wavy hair. He must have a strong sense of humor and laugh at all of my jokes. He should be intellectual without being an snob about it. He must love being near mountains and trees, living close to the ocean, taking long walks on the beach, gazing at the stars at night, dancing, hiking, reading, shopping, going to the movies, and dining out (and I don’t mean fast food). My ideal soul mate will be a fan of science fiction and fantasy and will like all of the same movies I enjoy. He will especially not mind if I want to see a romantic comedy, and he won’t want to watch sports all the time. My perfect mate absolutely has to be on the same spiritual path as my own. He will know that foreplay IS part of sex. He will also not only understand that a normal sexual experience lasts longer than five minutes, but he will be consistently willing to satisfy my needs as well as his own. He will always give me a massage first (girls, we all know why that’s important) and offer to rub my feet after a long day at the mall. He must like dogs and cats, and not be opposed to helping to care for them. He will cheerfully offer to help out around the house and treat me as an equal partner in the relationship. Anyone who’s overweight, unattractive, short, has character flaws, or has been unemployed for more than a few weeks won’t even be considered. Shiny armor and white horse, optional.”
While that sounds just a little unrealistic, what employers seem to want in a potential employee isn’t that much different:

“We’re looking for someone who possesses expert knowledge in a great variety of skills and the appropriate certificates and/or licenses to back that up. We want someone who has a wealth of experience and has never been fired from a job for any reason. The ideal candidate will possess all of the desirable personality traits such as being responsible, reliable, trustworthy, self-motivated, self-starting, and dedicated. We want someone who can do the job without any training or direction, but who won’t mind occasional micromanagement. The right person will be able to work in noisy, dirty, chaotic environments and won’t have any problems dealing with difficult people. This person must pay close attention to details and be a multi-tasker extraordinaire because duties include doing everything in the office at any given time and being available to cover for everyone else. Note that this person should not expect to have back-up coverage. The right candidate will value our time, but that will not be reciprocated. We will only hire someone who can be punctual and is willing to work the worst possible schedule, including split shifts or shifts that drag the minuscule number of hours we’re offering out over every single day of the week. Must be available to work evenings and weekends because the ideal candidate will not have a life beyond the doors of our company. This person will be expected to have an extensive professional wardrobe (nothing out-dated) and should own more than three interchangeable outfits. This is a part-time job. There is no lunch break, sick time, vacation, healthcare or benefits of any kind. If you are an older, overweight, average or unattractive female, we will hire anyone else regardless of qualifications as long as that person will not make demands of us and is visually pleasing. After all, the person we hire will be representing our image.”

Makes you want to run right out and fill out the job applications, doesn't it?

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