If I Wrote Stand-up Comedy

I’m so broke...(Traditional over-used opening line, but I'll use it anyway.)

I’m so broke. I was trying to think of ways to earn some extra money. One day, this brilliant thought came to me: “I need a sugar daddy, someone to help ease my cash flow problem.”

So I googled sugar daddy to see what all was involved in being one so I’d know what to ask for in my ad. This got me thinking.

Would it be wrong of me to advertise for a sugar daddy, but only for the lavish gifts and money? Not the sex part? I mean, I don’t even want to keep him company.

Okay, maybe if he’s super rich. Or funny. Or interesting. Or really, really cute. Maybe finding a sugar daddy isn’t the way to go after all.

So as long as I was already there, I took this thought process a little further and asked myself, “What’s the difference between a Sugar Daddy and a John?”

They both give women money and gifts in exchange for company and sex. No difference, right?

So, if I found a sugar daddy, what does that make me? Accepting money and gifts in exchange for keeping his company and giving him sex? I’m seeing a very, very fine line here.

But you know, sometimes, the opportunities for making money just bang on your door. You don’t even have to go looking for them.

Like, I keep getting emails from Über, telling me how I can earn extra money. Don’t they know my car is parked on some street somewhere, five or six states over in Washington, depending which way you drive? I haven’t seen a map lately.

Except for that new world map, the Gall-Peters projection, where the continents just look all stretched and smooshed, but otherwise, it’s essentially the same world map we’ve all be looking at for centuries but now it’s supposedly wrong.

Anyway, what does Über expect me to do? Pick up people on street corners and give them rides on my back? Although, I understand that’s also a great way to make a living.

Speaking of prostitutes…

I’m a writer, so my research takes me to some pretty bizarre websites. I look for information on murder, undetectable types of poison, badass weapons, prisons and how to break out of them, war, and world domination. Oh, and interplanetary corporations, smugglers, time travel, and quantum physics. You know, your typical google search… if you’re a writer.

Anyway, the other day, I googled some sex stuff online thinking it might help me write a sex scene. Because apparently when the people who critique your work say things like, “It wasn’t clear that your characters had sex,” you clearly need to do some research on the subject.

And was I ever surprised at what’s out there. Now, I’m not exactly a stranger to porn. I may have seen a few naughty videos a long time ago when I was much, much younger. Because if I say I watch porn now as a 50+ woman, every young man who hears that is going, “Eeeww!” Maybe not aloud, but definitely in his thoughts. But I’m not saying that I watch it now. I don’t. Except for research.

Well, some of the stuff you can find online is pretty wild, even for young folks. I might have blushed once or twice, but I think I laughed more than anything. I mean, does anyone really do that stuff? Whose fantasies are these? I’m just saying, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to meet any of those people.

And I’ve never seen that many men piled up on top of each other unless it was on a football field. Or a hockey field. But they all had clothes on. Okay, so I let myself get a little sidetracked. Don’t judge me. And please don’t check my browsing history. I was curious. As a writer. Emphasis on professional research.

So I took the cowardly way out and wrote around the subject. I wrote about what the man thought about having sex with this woman. Yes, every man’s dream question: “What are you thinking?”

Well, it was really more of a commentary about how sex with this woman was different. How he allowed himself to indulge in pleasing her. That for the first time in his life, he put someone else’s happiness before his own. Did I mention this was a fantasy novel?

So the obvious way to make some extra money is to actually sell something I’ve written. What a novel idea. (Really bad pun intended.)

But do you know how hard it is to sell a novel these days? It would probably be easier for me to find a sugar daddy who just wants to give me money – lots and lots of money – than it would be to sell a book to a publisher or find an agent to do it for me.

The publishing world is brutal.

Why can’t publishers be more like Über? They can send me emails saying they want my novels. Just out of the blue. Unsolicited. I’ll take their money. I’ll even have sex with them. Well, maybe not. Or maybe. Wink. Wink.

Long story short: Buy my books. I need the money. I’m not putting my faith in sugar daddies, publishers, or even Über.

Sorry, no money back guarantees. Once I have your money, I’m never giving it back. I need it to pay my internet bills. Oh, and to buy food and pay rent and stuff.

Thanks! You’ve been a great audience! See you next time!